I am consumed with emotions. My brain is wired differently than someone
without anxiety. I hate it. I know that I am misunderstood. I don't want my
anxiety to be an excuse for my behavior, for my thoughts. I want control of my
thoughts. Still trying to grasp how do that though. I want to overcome this
disorder. I know that it will be an everyday battle but I want more victories
than failures.
Last night was a semi-failure. I ate a pint of strawberries after dinner but
that didn't fill me up. I also ate a bag of microwave popcorn. That didn't help
either. I laid in bed feeling empty but full of regret. I got on Pinterest and
happened upon a blog post about binge eating. It was just there in my news feed
like I was meant to find it. Her words spoke to me so loudly. She was right to
say that food would not fill my emptiness. In that moment I stopped and
realized the truth behind that statement. My mind was YELLING to go to the
pantry, you are hungry...get the food...it will make the empty feeling go away.
The reality is it wouldn't have filled me up at all. I know that I was
avoiding. Avoiding these emotions. Avoiding the overwhelming amount of
housework I had on my to-do list, not knowing where to start.
I continually box stuff up to donate but every time I turn around there is
more stuff. So wore out from the "spring cleaning" I started in
January. It's July. I have a box that lives in my dining room that I toss stuff
into on a weekly basis. At the same time, I hold on to things way too long. I
hold onto material possessions like I do emotions and bad memories. I see how
that two are connected.
This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions. First with sever
PMS symptoms, family issues and then deadlines at work. I found myself in the
comfort of potato chips too many times. Now I am stressing about my weigh in
tomorrow. I don't want to leave onederland.
I tried to go to bed early last night to avoid the pantry. I woke up four
times and had bad dreams. The kind where you are so sad and when you wake up it
feels real. Super sad. But I got out of bed at 6 am, had my coffee and worked
out before work. Still waiting for these feelings to pass; knowing they are not
permanent.
Praying for comfort and for strength to be stronger than my temptations. I
know that this will pass but it is so uncomfortable at the moment. I’m squirming!
I am going to start doing affirmations again. They seemed to help me mentally
and emotionally. It was one of those things that you don’t really notice how
much it helped until you stop doing it. I did a 30 day challenge at the
beginning of the year. I received a list of affirmations that were written for
a life skills class. I had to read them out loud while making eye contact with
myself in the mirror. This time I will write them for myself. Stay tuned for
the list! You can do them with me too!
I have always found the affirmations to be very helpful in a variety of situations. I find myself rooting for you every time I read you blog. The ups, the downs. We all face them. I want you to win, because if you can, I can. I am praying for your success!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Sebrina! Yes you can! I am writing new affirmations now. :)
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