Celebrating Non-scale Victories!!!

I have had 3 non-scale victories this week and it's only Wednesday! I forgot how awesome they feel! I have been so focused on that scale not budging much over the last few weeks that I have gotten a little discouraged. I have still pushed on though. In the past this would have been the point that I threw in the towel. Did I mention this is my 4th time to lose weight? I also have PCOS which likes to play games with my hormones and can make it more difficult to lose at times.

Okay so on to the positive stuff!!! Monday I was super exhausted! Plus I have been stressed. I really wanted to binge eat. I had a ton of cravings and I only have 14 Flex points left for the week (which I plan to use on Thanksgiving). I had just went grocery shopping and had some junk in the cabinets. I have not complete convinced my family to go 100% healthy and they are a small army that overpower me! ha (I do encourage serving sizes and moderation) Needless to say we had bags of chips and sugary cereal to name a few. I contemplated and tried to justify my need for sugar and carbs for about 10-15 minutes. Instead I went and took a bath. I wasn't hungry anyways and it was 9pm. This may seem small and unimportant for some but when you are an emotional binge eater and you are stressed THIS IS HUGE! I almost always give into to my ridiculous cravings.

Yesterday we had our Thanksgiving celebration at work. We had didn't do a tradition feast but there was still a lot of unhealthy options. Luckily there were enough healthy options to pick from. My dear friend made a gluten free veggie lasagna. The real non-scale victory was staying away from the dessert table! Did I mention that I LOVE sweets? They are my kryptonite! Victory #2!

Another friend gave me a ton of her clothes that she doesn't wear anymore or never wore at all. I was super stoked. I love a good deal! ;) So I mentioned to her that I had a pair of the pants on and she mentioned them being size 13/14. I told her no, I thought they were 16. Got me thinking...so I went and checked. Sure enough they WERE a size 13/14!!! I didn't even know! At the beginning of the year I wore an 18/20. Victory #3!

There it is. Three things that I am super grateful for. Small things that matter. I am working on loving my body for what it is and what it can do now instead of hating it for what it's not. This includes not letting the scale define me. Yes, I need to be within a healthy weight but as long as I'm working daily at achieving that I am okay with it taking as long as it takes.

What are some of your non-scale victories that you need to celebrate?

Self Image Struggles

I have been struggling with the time change. I feel like I am trying to hibernate! The last few evenings I have been carb loading and trying to pass-out around 7:30pm. Plus there was the stress of the Election...

I have also been struggling with body image lately. I feel stagnant in my weight loss. It is coming off more slowly as the year progresses. Which is understandable. It typically comes off faster at first as you introduce diet change and physical fitness. I keep pushing forward even after I fall down...This week I lost 4 oz. Better than a gain though.

I can remember at one point early into my weight loss journey my resting heart rate was at 94. Did you hear that??? 94!!! That's not good! Now my resting heart rate is about 64/65. So over the last 10 months I have reduced my resting heart rate 30 points. My heart is working more effectively now.

So over the last 10 months I have lost 51 lbs, lost several inches(I need to find my starting inches), a few pant sizes and lowered my resting heart rate 30 points and I still struggle to see that big of a difference. I emotionally feel like I am still 237 lbs on some days.

I am trying to focus on what my body can do rather than what it isn't. I know that I will never have my body back to the way it was before I had kiddos. I gained 90 lbs with my first pregnancy. I didn't just get stretchmarks, I got skin tears. Everywhere. Even the backs of my knees. That cute little belly ring I was once able to wear will never see the light of day again. There is loose skin and sad boobies. lol But you know what? I can walk. I have all of my limbs. I can play with my children. I am otherwise healthy (with the exception of my PCOS and anxiety disorder). My husband thinks I am beautiful.

Why do I put so much value on my outward appearance? Of course you feel better when you take care of yourself. That's not what I mean...but when I look in the mirror all I can see is my "mom tummy" and the bags under my eyes. I am getting older by the minute. I am more than that though. I know this. 

I am on a mission to love my body and to be comfortable in my own skin. I know it has to be possible. It won't matter how much weight I lose if I can't love my body as it is now I will never be happy with it.

Weightloss Journey Update: Ups and Downs

The journey is hard right now. Ups and downs are expected. The downs suck. I have been completely sidetracked. I am exhausted mentally and physically. I am trying to juggle so many things. I started relying on food again. I am starting to recognize the emotional eating cycles.

I haven't worked out in a week and a half. I haven't actually cared. That's a bad place to be. I hate it. I skipped my weigh in last Friday because I didn't want to know. I'm going to guess a weight gain. My sacroiliac joint is acting up and has been creating pain and issues with walking at times.

My family and I took a three day weekend and went to the beach. It was nice to get away and have fun. We were headed down to Texas anyways to take my step-son home. Spent time with family while we were there too. While I was there I picked up an audio CD at a rummage sale. It is called Body for Life by Bill Phillips. It helped me refocus on my goals. It is getting me out of my slump.

I know I can be hard on myself. I think we are always harder on ourselves. What would I say to a friend? It wouldn't be things like: you suck, you're a loser, you should be ashamed, etc. Why do I tell myself these things? I would tell my friend it's okay, your mistakes don't define you, you can do this! These are things I should be telling myself. This goes back to affirmations.

I will make better plans. I will make healthier choices. I will get through this rough patch. I will weigh in this week, no matter what! I am already back on track today.

Sometimes I find that if I am going hardcore, a break is nice. It can jump start me back in to the game. The problem is when the break is too long and your old lifestyle drags you back. Not going to let that happen. I need to extend myself some grace. A week off isn't going to kill me. It's over. I can't change it now. I can only move forward and try to stay positive.

Struggling with Emotional Eating

I am consumed with emotions. My brain is wired differently than someone without anxiety. I hate it. I know that I am misunderstood. I don't want my anxiety to be an excuse for my behavior, for my thoughts. I want control of my thoughts. Still trying to grasp how do that though. I want to overcome this disorder. I know that it will be an everyday battle but I want more victories than failures.

Last night was a semi-failure. I ate a pint of strawberries after dinner but that didn't fill me up. I also ate a bag of microwave popcorn. That didn't help either. I laid in bed feeling empty but full of regret. I got on Pinterest and happened upon a blog post about binge eating. It was just there in my news feed like I was meant to find it. Her words spoke to me so loudly. She was right to say that food would not fill my emptiness. In that moment I stopped and realized the truth behind that statement. My mind was YELLING to go to the pantry, you are hungry...get the food...it will make the empty feeling go away. The reality is it wouldn't have filled me up at all. I know that I was avoiding. Avoiding these emotions. Avoiding the overwhelming amount of housework I had on my to-do list, not knowing where to start.

I continually box stuff up to donate but every time I turn around there is more stuff.  So wore out from the "spring cleaning" I started in January. It's July. I have a box that lives in my dining room that I toss stuff into on a weekly basis. At the same time, I hold on to things way too long. I hold onto material possessions like I do emotions and bad memories. I see how that two are connected.

This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions.  First with sever PMS symptoms, family issues and then deadlines at work. I found myself in the comfort of potato chips too many times. Now I am stressing about my weigh in tomorrow. I don't want to leave onederland.

I tried to go to bed early last night to avoid the pantry. I woke up four times and had bad dreams. The kind where you are so sad and when you wake up it feels real. Super sad. But I got out of bed at 6 am, had my coffee and worked out before work. Still waiting for these feelings to pass; knowing they are not permanent.

Praying for comfort and for strength to be stronger than my temptations. I know that this will pass but it is so uncomfortable at the moment. I’m squirming! I am going to start doing affirmations again. They seemed to help me mentally and emotionally. It was one of those things that you don’t really notice how much it helped until you stop doing it. I did a 30 day challenge at the beginning of the year. I received a list of affirmations that were written for a life skills class. I had to read them out loud while making eye contact with myself in the mirror. This time I will write them for myself. Stay tuned for the list! You can do them with me too!

The Journey Begins...

I am ashamed when I look in the mirror. My weight, my size, my fat is the results of my emotions…my inability to control the guilt and pain I have. The saying, “what you eat in private, you wear in public”, couldn’t be truer for me. When I’m sad, anxious, overwhelmed, or depressed I eat. When the past tries to escape the surface of my subconscious, I eat. Sometimes I eat until I feel guilty or even sick and I forget about the past…at least temporarily. 

I am tired of the cycle. I want healing. I’ve been here before. I have the knowledge of how to lose weight. It’s putting it in action. I’ve been working on my “lifestyle” change for six months so far (this time around anyways). I am currently stuck at 202. It’s been about 2 months since I have made any real progress. I am so close to entering ONEderland. I don’t know what’s holding me back. I really thought this would be the week…I worked so hard this last week. I know my sleep was lacking at times and I had a binge night that didn’t end well. But I picked myself up the next day and got back on track.

 

I’ve lost 35 lbs. over the last six months which is progress and for that I am happy. This plateau feels like failure though. I cried so hard after realizing that this was NOT the week for this stepping stone on my journey. It’s a BIG stepping stone though. I haven’t been below 200 lbs. in quite some time. It’s time to move forward. Fall down seven times, stand up eight. It can just be so hard sometimes…but so is being unhealthy and overweight. I have to continue for my kiddos, for my husband and for myself. I know that when I take care of myself I can take better care of them. I want to have energy to get things done, mark off my to-do lists. I want to keep my house clean. I want to enjoy time with my family. I want to have a happy and productive life. 

 My journey has just begun. I am ready to be the best me I can be and the best wife and momma I was meant to be. It will be a balancing act I’m sure but I’m up for the challenge. Join me in this adventure. It’s gonna be crazy at times, emotionally trying and downright hard. But it will be worth it. I am worth it! If you’re reading this, you are worth it too! 

We have one life to live and one body to live it in. We must take care of the bodies we’ve been given or we will not have anywhere to live. Dead. Super dead. Or even worse, we’ll live miserable lives full of ailments and aches and pains. Never fully enjoying life the way it was meant to be; full of happiness and joy. I’m bound and determined to enter ONEderland and never leave!